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i do not chose them, i do not approve of them. from: mark <another_numbered_monkey@yahoo.co.uk> to: vanja <savejonny@hotmail.com> sent: 03/05/2001 03:44 subject: i was a much more interesting person 5 years ago it comes as no surprise, i guess, when i tell you now that i want to speak to you on the phone, and moreso in person. not only because i want to talk and spend time in any way, but also because now i find that some things when written are very difficult to identify and explain correctly. and since it has been a while since the last mail i may have lost faith in my ability to convey the thoughts i want in type. but, for finance's sake, i will give e-mailing a shot once more... getting back into the habit. do you ever seriously think that you may well be mad? i do. i have done for a very long time, not constantly, mind you. not every day, not even every week... but definitely every so often (probably talking in terms of very approximately less than once a week but more than once a month, but that can change drastically). i remember for certain, at least, having these kinds of thoughts back in year 10 (which is quite a way back for me to remember with my awful recollections) when i would have been 14/15, and i remember probably because i wrote them down. i asked myself whether i could really be slightly mad, or whether it was just the prospect of being such that i found attractive. was i slightly mad or did i want to be? why did i think these things at all? the laughing alone about random spasms of thought without any specific referring item. the occasional manic moments alone when carried away completely in some fantasy, but not a daydreaming fantasy - a short (less than a minute) and intense fantasy possibly with no idea of what the facts in the fantasy are other than knowing that some feelings are coming from it and finding how responding in certain ways will effect that feedback-cycle of feelings. e.g. feeling painfully sad, despairing and very very tense and wanting to scream and thump something... and then it (the feeling) would disappear. or maybe joy, or gentle hollow sorrow, or mindless hilarity. they are the real reasons. i've never known if i am alone or unusual in this behaviour, and it does sound a bit crazy, so i would and do still sometimes think i may be a little. the key fact being that i have no real idea why these moments occur or what causes them. it's a bit like the brain letting off steam i suppose, built up from thinking about everything and itself. (thinking though not necessarily coming to any answers) and i like to play with that which many would say is wrong or foolish to play with: with moments of love, and grief. i find these things fun to play with sometimes because they are so intense and gripping and raw that we can let go and run on automatic when feeling them. playing the game as millions have before. it's those rules again, that i like to bend. i feel close to the stage where i want to send you an e-mail without warning just saying "YOU FUCKING BITCH!! HOW COULD YOU DO THAT!!?? I HATE YOU!" and then saying nothing else. why? the simple (and inaccurate) reason would be that i want to see how you would react. to see if you could stand something that is just so very 'wrong' to joke about. but what i think i am doing is actively questioning myself as to whether there are rules about expression of feeling and thought when in love or coming to that. example: you said in jest on the train that we should stop hugging and kissing because we had too much. and i was so tempted just to do just that - not hug nor kiss for the entire few hours we had left together, knowing full well how long it would be before we could meet again, knowing how much i would want to hug and kiss later. but i could turn off that desire in favour of seeing if i could do that. so many would say that it would be a huge 'waste' of an opportunity. that it would put a possibly beautiful relationship into jeopardy. those things i question. but what makes me give in to not doing that is that it is cruel, unfair and selfish of me if you do not agree n/or understand what i am doing. it is freedom again. freedom to say 'i hate you' without explaining straight away that it is a stupid joke, which it is. it's playing with emotional fire and i like doing it.... but i realise it can be so painful and cruel if the idea is not shared and so i hold back. maybe if i found that we could both play the game, both be free from the addiction to be 'lovey-dovey' perfect, then i would not feel the need to play any more. maybe it is just because it may be a difference and a barrier that i like to play with it. when playing like that, with love and affection in that way, it is very much like the feeling you get when you have something within your grasp and your control but you deny yourself it. you may know the feeling, as i often do: when you want for something very much for a long time and you cannot have it, and then eventually you can and it is there before you and all you need to do is grab it, but you do not, you play against yourself for longer, seeing if you can leave it... there is safety because it is still there (when you want it), but you are now free to deny it. that is why i play these games only when i feel quite secure in a relationship, so take it as a positive sign of my attitude to how things are with us. until i feel somewhat secure i am too scared to play. too scared of losing you. but when i feel we have something stronger, then i enjoy playing. i have used the term 'playing' a lot. i want to clarify that (in (i) and (ii), below)... (i) it is extreme honesty. it is about showing an emotion at the fore which may exist but is often 'hidden' because it is a convention that you 'do not mention nor hint at' those kind of things (and it is an emotion/thought that can be denied in yourself, not only hidden from the other person). for example: imagine saying to your partner "i am fed up with kissing (or am not in the mood to kiss) you right now," i mean, you never say that when you are actually kissing each other a lot at that time! it's like a rule! well, maybe not. you don't say it because the other person may be 'hurt' and you do not like to think it even to yourself because you do not want to be in that mood and also you would feel bad if you did feel that. but maybe it is the truth sometimes, and wouldn't it be wonderful if both partner understood that it can be the truth sometimes without feeling hurt or insulted, by admitting to themselves that even they felt that way sometimes. this is all about having those hidden thoughts everyone has (or, at least, many people have) but thinking it wrong to admit to having them; when being honest and accepting of their existence in ourselves and in others would cause less needless under-the-surface tension and discomfort. people are more likely to try to be 'subtle' about it by just easing off and stopping or changing what they do not like about a situation without really accepting or expressing what was wrong/uncomfortable, and that is okay, as long as they are not trying to hide or disguise what they are feeling. it's the difference between being subtle to protect and to hide and being subtle to not spoil a mood. one is fearful and secretive (with the front of being caring and protective) and the other is being genuinely honest but gentle and caring. by the way, i did not get fed up with our kissing at all on those few days :o) (ii) it is also a very selfish stubbornness - a stubbornness to deny what you want for yourself - and expressing a freedom to want and/or to do exactly the opposite to what would be 'expected' or 'ideal' for the situation in hand. [BY PLAYING WITH SOMETHING YOU REALLY WANT ON THE BORDERS OF DESTROYING IT OR DRIVING IT AWAY, YOU REASSURE YOURSELF AND, INDEED, MAY (with an understanding in your partner) EVEN STRENGTHEN THAT WHICH YOU HAVE]. another, earlier, example: "okay, we're not going to hug then," said in jest but then stubbornly followed through. how stupid! what a waste of precious time (when you only have a few hours to spend together)! this is a game of tolerance and bluff-calling, for both people want to hug... it is a test for certainty in your partner about how much you really like them (i.e. a test as to whether they can see your bluff and how long they can stand with that belief before they worry). it's a wind-up, basically. and it loses its appeal when both people know what it is, so you can go back to being lovey-dovey again. but playing that game on your own is sad and destructive (so i hope i am not alone). but maybe you just feel in a funny mood and want to not hug then... it needs to be understood that you are not denying that you love to hug them and that you will want to later. i think it is important only to express what you really feel, not what you want to feel or think other people would want you to feel. i think this mainly because they can do the same in return and open up an understanding and closeness that could never otherwise be attained. now i am tired and have no more time for thought. let me know if that makes any sense and tell me what you think, agree/disagree with. much love, really missing you, mark x-x thu 03/05/2001 originality is dead. it's all be said and thought and felt and we are echos of the past. even this idea was imagined/realised long ago. it boils down to the details, and though they may be very interesting, are we sensitive enough to experience the details? what is greater, the variance of external facts or the varience of how we feel in response to them? there is a panic before you concede to loss of originality... some hunt for a statement, for a radical expresion, something generally shocking or strange to others. it comes with the generation. punk, hippy, metallers, any revolution in history (not music only of course). but with music too... how far has it gone, how desperate are the ideas? indulgences have grasped at the most extreme or minimal reaches... maybe just to be radical by liking what would commonly be considered worthless or repulsive. that may be so, but those first purposes are lost or irrelevant for a while when you are completely held by what you have found. (((take the sound of a busy motorway, a plane landing, and a factory in full force and distort and mix them beyond identification and them make it blare and throb without any pattern other than as a whole. this is noise music... some people love it. take a sound. smooth it out. make it wash and flutter and ooze. if you like, place a simple smothered dub beat under the surface. this is ambience. take a song. delete everything until skeletons of what there was remain. then remove some bones. this is minimal, where silence is foremost though nothing is in the fore, really. take your instruments. play them atonally, out of time with each other. randomly, but led only with a subconscious passion. percussion features. this is pure jazz.))) so, no longer is there anything really new, not in an absolute sense (though individuals can uncover). but we find that no matter what 'is', feelings are relative and can be put anywhere. your greatest danger is to become bored with feeling, your world is contingent to that. people cut themselves, you know? fri 27/04/2001 and so it goes, at a time when you most strongly desire something, you really want that insight to come, to take that thought and to share it and to amaze yourself and many others. oh how you want to just freely let it out, even though you don't know what it is yourself. your faith in the subconscious wisdom is great, though attempts before have seen it fail. your optimism is foolish. but do you honestly give a fuck? no. horray for gibberish. at least you (yes, you) know others get it now. just flowing freely from their minds. not thinking, attempting not to at least, but there is always a guidance. for example, let's let go for a moment. ando what the y want is the fat haone moose gyroscopic tendancies to mexplode in the slide of fligtht whebn all you ant is a cup of teas and how hards ti is you are ,,, rocking in the chair and the pressure is immesne. my god, you are detatched form this right now. such is the fantasy of madness, at least then you are interesting in a way that you consider yourself worthy of. aragh! this is fucking addictive. see, did you like that? maybe. but to be honest the rattlings of an excited abstacted mind, although they may be interesting, can grow tiresome. but what the hell, this is my site, why should i care if people don't look? maybe because i want people to look. maybe that's the point. maybe i feel alone in my head and want others to share it with me. maybe i just think i'm clever and i want to prove it. maybe i want to test myself. anyway, i do know that i have reservations about putting mess here. like "IABHUIBFUIVBFBUILFBI OFIBNIBSIONFDIOBFIBNFIONDFION FOPHNFIOBFGIBDIONIODNSOsgnlg nsdoisfhnogisdnoisdgnios dnklasfnmioSBNIO NASFION" but why should I care about the nonsense. AND WhY DON't i USE capitals, what is this? some kind of 'image' some kind of consistency i have chained myself into. is it cool to have a look and a style. but I'm not like that, no, that's not very honest. keeping it consistent goes against my divergence of thought. at least, i can say the 'no capitals' is easier to type now i am used to it. but i shall not bind myself to the rule. FUCK style. this page was supposed to be free, but i find myself errecting boundries like that. formalities. heck, it is a matter of 'ease of use'. i care about viewers. so this cleansing from mess is a way of keeping them happy. people don't like things which break down when all they want are some nice thoughts to go over. you will grow tired. "he's maybe not pretentious, but he does talk self-indulgent and, frankly, crap to anyone who is not him". but thankyou so much to those who put up with this. why? i must thank any 'fans'... so there will be rules. for now, at least. i shall not hate those who like this. i may have my own mind, it isn't so bent yet as to hate those who are warm to it. so i apologise if you don't like this place anymore/soon, but really it is my place and that was the point anyway. this is the one time i think an obligation to the audience is not required, but an option. hello, anyone? yes this is how it goes sometimes. sat 14/04/2001 are we looking for love, are we looking for food, are we looking for money, etc. all those things we 'long' for? or are we just out for the kicks, the sensations. if you could fool yourself into thinking that you had your heart's desire, would you? i see in many the desire for objectivity. they want things to be 'real'. "i don't want to think i'm in love all my life, but find the person i am with is only with me for sympathy/comfort/other non-loving reason." not only are we looking for subjective experiences of happiness, but we want things to fall in line with our desires in a more objective reality. but why? what good is there in something real over and above something you believe is real if (and this is an important condition) you are never to realise the discrepancy between your belief and reality? in fact. the desire to have everything really in line with our desires will lead to inevitable conflict and strife. because people's desires are incompatible, the desire to have your wishes realised is selfish and foolish. maybe we should only look to tasting what we 'really' want. to dive into the fantasy of what could be without disappointing ourselves and hurting others by trying to pull the world into line with our desires. someone said we should bring our desires in line with what the world is like rather than bring the world in line with what we want, but with my memory i cannot credit that person in name. but maybe we can hold our unworldly desires (inasmuch as they are of things that we do not really have) and be satisfied when we know what their instantiation would be like. to know how it would be to have our dreams realised may be as good as to have them so, and maybe even better, for that way we do not distort the world into a harder place for others. how else are we to deal with being trapped and hopeless, or in holding unattainable desires? think of the lonely person, never able to find love. surely let them dream, than think they should never be satisfied until they find it. is it best to feed hope in a hopeless situation. "don't worry, it'll be alright." "plenty more fish in the sea." they have truth sometimes, but there is a chance they will not come to fruition. some lives are sad and lonely and painful. let them dream, and maybe they can escape how 'reality' has cursed them. hope only survives in a world of subjectivity. -- contrast: dream all you like, but do not lose sight of truth. if you are alone, know you are. if your mother has died, know she has. if your partner has left you, know it is gone. all sickness, decay, loneliness, and corruption are a part of life many would like to dream away. but is that not losing something? it could be said that it is weak to not face up to pains, and then it could be said that weakness is to be avoided and should be frowned upon. but is that right? i think it is close, but it is not about weakness and how 'bad' that is. it's more about fullness and actually having a whole life. you can close yourself down and block out all sorts of truths and sorrows, but your life is a fantasy then and you will die unknowing, unaccepting, and afraid of a place where you are not. (this hints at my view that life is partly about experiencing a life as colourful and full as possible. and for me this is not about going out and doing all kinds of extreme activities, but it is about opening up and listening and tasting as much as i can before i am extinguished. to know what life can be is what i hope to grasp as much as i can.) -- life is shit and life is bliss. and just maybe it all amounts to nothing because good things and bad things thrive and survive and it's an opinion anyway, that may be true, but maybe not. so maybe life isn't about amounting to anything, the end, the sum, the all is not important because, the all is huge and ungraspable and still empty and nothing and equally ungraspable. and that is nonsense talk because there is no real 'sense' to be found, or if there is, you can't know it, though you can believe all you like. and even this is a wash of thought that may 'amount' to saying nothing, but how do you feel about it? now go run in a field on a sunny day and fall face first into dog shit and cry home feeling sick to mum who will clean you and comfort you and make you unashamed and loved again and then she will get cancer and die and you will hate it for being unfair and then you fall in love and have a child and you care not for yourself for a while as you wonder in the miracle of your happy precious child and they grow up to hate you and you lose them only for them to find you on your deathbed when they love you again. but maybe it's too late and the bombs have fallen and the world is over, but history has happened and love and life and death and loss have happened, and a butterfly has survived the blast, but the disease takes it and it looks so beautiful on the ground, but noone can see it now. then something fluxes and the ghosts dance and something you can never understand happens and it is too far gone for you to know because it's so much bigger than 'you' and these words, even if it may be so simple though a filter you create, you think you see, but noone can see without an eye a filter a window a version a taste. so run in that field, i cannot say more. wed 11/04/2001 site created: fri 16/02/2001 |
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